I can only do so much

This past year has been extremely trying for me. It wasn't a really bad year, it was just a little frustrating trying to be pleasing in everyone's sight. I finally found a job, my oldest daughter got shot, my youngest daughter made terrible accusations, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and my little brother went to jail. I tell you it's been a trying year...

By the grace of God, my child's injuries weren't life threatening. She survived but she isn't doing anything differently. She still hangs with the same crowd, she still believes she is better off without me, her attitude is still the same... I don't believe she understands that God gave her a second chance.

My youngest daughter doesn't realize the mess she has made of all of our lives. She lies so much that she believes her own lies. She has strangers judging me and the likes of my fiance. She really messed up this time and she doesn't realize that it has changed how I view being a mother to her.

This whole illness thing with my mother has taken it's toll on me. I know that she is the one who is really affected, but it makes it harder to make her understand the stress she puts on me. She, along with my baby brother and my girls, is making it really hard to trust her. I don't trust any of them. I believe that she believes that she is a better mother to my children than I am. My baby brother makes me feel as if he is totally against me. My girls are out to get me, they don't want me to be happy, they want everything, but they don't want to work for it... They are all against me and want me to fail...

I do my best in all that I do. I am the best mother to my children... Am I the perfect mother, no i am not, but I am the best person for the job when it comes to them.

When I lost my job in 2009, I didn't crawl under a rock and die. I didn't turn to drugs, fall into so deep a depression that I couldn't pull out of it... I went to straight to work, seeking employment. I took a temporary job with an agency, then a seasonal job. Then I went to work for the company that I work for now. Never once feeling sorry for myself. I did what I needed to do for my family. What a good mother would do. I swallowed my pride and took a job that paid me less than half of what I was making before, just so my kids could say that their mommy works. I beat myself up because I am unable to do all of the things I did before. I don't blame anyone but myself for my short comings. I am responsible for me and my children.

This craziness that I am dealing with right now has got my mind so messed up... I love my kids but those two oldest ones are really making it hard to love them right now. I can't stand the sight of either of them. They are so disrespectful and rude. But they want it all... I have my hands full trying to make my youngest understand that he has to be good all of the time, but they teach him their bad habits and want to chastise him when he does to them what they do to him. The system has my mom and my two oldest kids brainwashed. They don't realize in the end that all they are doing is hurting themselves and their baby brother... and my mom is pushing me further away with each breath that she takes... She is just like her mother and she doesn't even know it.

I have washed my hands of the the two girls... I can't reraise them... I can only do so much... when folsks start telling me how to live, who I can associate with and who I can't, I go ahead and erase them from my heart... that's all I can do... I am moving forward with God in my heart and with my son's bst interest at heart... there is no more that can be done.