I can only do so much

This past year has been extremely trying for me. It wasn't a really bad year, it was just a little frustrating trying to be pleasing in everyone's sight. I finally found a job, my oldest daughter got shot, my youngest daughter made terrible accusations, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and my little brother went to jail. I tell you it's been a trying year...

By the grace of God, my child's injuries weren't life threatening. She survived but she isn't doing anything differently. She still hangs with the same crowd, she still believes she is better off without me, her attitude is still the same... I don't believe she understands that God gave her a second chance.

My youngest daughter doesn't realize the mess she has made of all of our lives. She lies so much that she believes her own lies. She has strangers judging me and the likes of my fiance. She really messed up this time and she doesn't realize that it has changed how I view being a mother to her.

This whole illness thing with my mother has taken it's toll on me. I know that she is the one who is really affected, but it makes it harder to make her understand the stress she puts on me. She, along with my baby brother and my girls, is making it really hard to trust her. I don't trust any of them. I believe that she believes that she is a better mother to my children than I am. My baby brother makes me feel as if he is totally against me. My girls are out to get me, they don't want me to be happy, they want everything, but they don't want to work for it... They are all against me and want me to fail...

I do my best in all that I do. I am the best mother to my children... Am I the perfect mother, no i am not, but I am the best person for the job when it comes to them.

When I lost my job in 2009, I didn't crawl under a rock and die. I didn't turn to drugs, fall into so deep a depression that I couldn't pull out of it... I went to straight to work, seeking employment. I took a temporary job with an agency, then a seasonal job. Then I went to work for the company that I work for now. Never once feeling sorry for myself. I did what I needed to do for my family. What a good mother would do. I swallowed my pride and took a job that paid me less than half of what I was making before, just so my kids could say that their mommy works. I beat myself up because I am unable to do all of the things I did before. I don't blame anyone but myself for my short comings. I am responsible for me and my children.

This craziness that I am dealing with right now has got my mind so messed up... I love my kids but those two oldest ones are really making it hard to love them right now. I can't stand the sight of either of them. They are so disrespectful and rude. But they want it all... I have my hands full trying to make my youngest understand that he has to be good all of the time, but they teach him their bad habits and want to chastise him when he does to them what they do to him. The system has my mom and my two oldest kids brainwashed. They don't realize in the end that all they are doing is hurting themselves and their baby brother... and my mom is pushing me further away with each breath that she takes... She is just like her mother and she doesn't even know it.

I have washed my hands of the the two girls... I can't reraise them... I can only do so much... when folsks start telling me how to live, who I can associate with and who I can't, I go ahead and erase them from my heart... that's all I can do... I am moving forward with God in my heart and with my son's bst interest at heart... there is no more that can be done.

Where do we draw the line???

So we've been together for a while now and I think that everything is cool... but all of sudden someone from your past just happens to contact you on an unpublished number. Do I not question that? I would be a fool not too, but of course the same response that you give everytime we have this conversation is the one you give, along with the attitude. I have been doing everything that I can to make shit around here work. I bust my ass trying to make you happy. But instead of comforting me, I get attitude and no straight answers. WTF am I supposed to do. You don't even give this bitch a straight answer when she asked you are you with someone... what kind of shit is sort of??? Nigga please. This is really getting to the point where I am really beginning to re-evaluate some shit. Instead of trying to make it work, maybe I should start telling people that I'm sort of in a relationship. Yeah, how would you like that? Maybe it would make you rethink some shit. I'm just sayin. I am fucking tired of all of this. I don't get the time that I want. I don't get the time that I need. i don't get the affectiuon that I want... ONLY WHEN IT BENEFITS YOU!!!!! Seriously, let's get this shjit straight... I am in no way unlovable. There are hella guys who are just waiting for you to fuck up. You got me twisted nigga. Please believe that I can and I will get mine if you're not willing to provide. It's just that simple. You need to prioritize what is and isn't important... who is and who is not important. I'm too old to be trying to wait on a nigga to decide... real talk, I can make your decision real easy. best believe... you must not know about me!

Not Broken

I stared myself down in the mirror this morning. Who I saw was none other than me. A beautiful woman with many talents and a heart of pure gold. A woman who has allowed many people to walk over her and tell her that she is not good enough. I saw a woman who I began to dislike. A woman who has allowed herself to be beaten by the system. A woman who who has allowed her children to get away with things that no child should get away with. A woman who had lost her faith in God.
For over a year I have been put down and made a mockery of. I have lost total control of the life that I once knew. Daily, I am told NO. Daily, I am told you're totally good enough, but you don't fit in with the culture of our company. I have been threatened with losing my children. I have had to make drastic lifestyle changes. I have become insecure. I no longer felt beautiful. I believe that I have no self worth. Depression has set in and all hope has been lost. My heart is so heavy and I feel like giving up.
I am so beat down...
...However, I am not defeated. I am very optimistic. Prayerful. Hopeful. I have regained my faith and Trust in God. I still don't have complete control but I'm working on that also. I am no longer the woman that I saw in the mirror this morning. My faith was restored a while ago, but the woman remained... She is now gone. The Samara that everyone used to know is now back. The strong independent Samara. The woman that Maurice Vincent fell in love with. The insecure Samara has packed her bags and moved on.
I am not Broken!

Worthless

Sometimes I wonder what it is that keeps me going. My life is so imperfect. I have gained 7 pounds in the last month. I still haven't found a job and my two oldest children treat me like crap. There are times when I sit here at home and just sleep. I have been on interview after interview after interview with promises of call backs and 2nd and 3rd interviews, but never a hire. "Your qualifications and experience are impressive, however, we are going to continue our search for someone who we don't have to pay as much". "I don't see any reason why you wouldn't work out, other than the fact that I'm not sure if you quite fit with the culture of our company based on your pay history". No matter how hard I work and how much I impress them, they won't have me. Not working is not one of my strong suits. I feel totally worthless because I am not able to do what I love. It is frustrating and heartbreaking when your children don't respect you because you don't work. I don't have them on welfare and neither of them is homeless, but i'm not good enough or worthy of their respect because I don't have a job. Maurice tells me, "don't go signing up with a temp agency because they don't always assignments that last. Stop tripping off the small stuff, you are very talented and you have a lot of experience. Someone will hire you. When you were working you always made sure that I had money, so what makes you think that I won't be there for you. Let me take care of you". That is easier said than done. I am so used to taking care of everybody, I don't know how to let someone take care of me. I am miserable. I feel worthless.

What's done is DONE!

Good morning and Happy New Year. This is my 1st post of the new year and I wish it could be on a happier note, but there is always someone out there that manages to fuck up your spirits... temporarily of course.

I have a friend that I have been friends with for over 30 years. She just recently had a birthday, this week and her other girlfriends (some are friends of mine, some are not), decided that they should have a girls night out. That is all fine and dandy, however, in planning all the festivities, one thing was forgotten... ***When planning an outing with your girlfriends, don't forget that there are other girlfriends who may want to accompany you all, or just the opportunity to say "No Thanks", so don't plan on FACEBOOK***
I may just be over reacting, but 4 of us have been friends for 30+ years and you'd think that they'd be a little more considerate.

So, here I am, feeling left out and butt hurt, because I wasn't invited. Which lead me to the reorganizing of my priorities when it came to my friendships. I have deleted several people from my contact list in my phone. What is the point in keeping contacts that don't ever call you or text? What is the point in pretending that these people are truly your friends? I have had hours to replay this over in my mind and I am happy that I've done it.

Who needs friends like that. I sent out a mass text message to everyone remaining in my contact list. They all know that they remain in my inner circle. If they have no cell phone, they will receive a phone call. I have just had an epiphany and What's done is DONE!!!!

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Who can I turn to?

So, what is a friend? A friend, in my book, is someone that you can depend on, NO MATTER WHAT! I guess I really don't have a s many as I thought! In desperate times, I have only a few choice individuals that I can call on when I need them. Those few choice people I will tell my inner, most deepest thoughts, my darkest secrets, my most intimate encounters, only because I know they will go to their graves with what we've discussed.

I have been reaching out to you recently and I have yet to hear a response from you! I just need to talk, but I can see now that I am not as important to you as you are to me. Some of this stuff is detrimental to my health if I hold on to it, but I have no other choice. You have your own issues...

Why do we have friends? Why isn't everyone, that we come into contact with, considered an associate? Why do we trust people with our secrets? Tell me truthfully, are we truly friends or am I just so naive that I can't tell the difference?

I'm tired of trying to pinpoint who I can and can't trust. Let's cut to the chase... I consider you a friend, a confidant... so where in the hell are you when I need you?