More confusion

Why am I feeling blue? I could tell you and you'd think I was being childish! As excited as I am about the new and old occurences of my life, I still tend to feel as if nothing is truly going in my favor. I'm reminded daily of how not intouch I am with what I believed were my truths...

I know that may not make sense right now, but I will enlighten you...

Have you ever seen something that you wanted, someone else had it, and you were told not right now? Well, that's what I am feeling right now. Do you think that is childish?

I see what I want, however it's not at arms length (not within reach), therefore, I can't have it! I feel like a kid in the candy store when the Now and Laters are $.10 but I only have a nickel... I can't get them. I have to settle for the Lemon Heads... it really sucks to be me right now!

I'm a grown ass woman with little girl issues... I am truly disappointed in myself and ashamed at the same time. The real problem is, I'm the one to blame for my misery. I really think that I torture myself, or could I be getting tortured... Maybe I'm being tested to see if I'll break... or will I remain standing...

Everyday I see something that makes my heart ache... something that makes me wish I were the one... something that makes my mind crazy... something that makes me cry... something that makes me sad... something that I want and can't have. I have never been so envious of anyone... never have I ever wanted to be in someone elses shoes... where do these feelings leave me? I'll tell you where! They leave me on the outside looking in... On the outside...

It's cold on the outside! I know how warm it is on the inside. I know how cozy it is in there too. I want to be on the inside. I don't want to be cold anymore. I want to feel the warmth... the tender love of the heart that beats inside, the gentle embrace of the forearms & the caress of the the hands... The endearing forehead kiss that made my body tingle... that's where I want to be...

I want to be the missing link in the chain, that when found, holds the chain together. The link that makes it strong. The link that makes it impossible to break... but only do I want to be that link, if the chain needs and wants me to be.

I am so tired of getting the short end of the stick. I want to be the winner for once. I want to get exactly what I want for a change. I always think about the needs of others before I think of my own and that's why I always end up the loser in situations like this. I want to be the one who gets the one that wants me... if he wants me... I don't want be confused anymore, I want to be happy! So very Happy, with my Guilty Pleasure in tow! I want you!!!

Who I am

Who I am is a daughter, sister and mother.
I love my mother and father both the same - my mother is my best friend. She is the reason that I turned out so great =o) She is the reason that my will is strong. My father is my friend also. I give him credit, only, for my ability to budget my money.
I love my siblings - My brothers are the greatest and my sister is my sister...lol
My children are the greatest - Though they aren't perfect, they are mine and they are my greatest accomplishment. I love all four of them with all of my heart.

Who I am is a friend. My kind heart keeps my friends around. They always know that I'll be there whenever they need me to be, whether or not I speak to them on a daily basis. I keep them all in line and they do the same for me.

Who I am is a lover - I love with my whole heart. I am the one, when you walk into the room or my phone rings and I hear your voice on the other end, whose heart begins to flutter. I love hard and I fight hard for what I love.

Who I am is a woman! Am I perfect? No! But I am mindful of my faults. I am clean, honest and my imperfections make me perfect for you. I love and fear God and I am a believer of fate. I am not like most women. I am true to myself. I'm not afraid to admit when I fail. The truth is, I'm not afraid to step out on that ledge and tell you what I am feeling. I am the woman who let love slip away with the firm belief that one day, love and I would cross paths and we would pick up where we left off... how ever impossible that may be at this very moment, I still believe that it will happen. I don't believe that God would be so cruel as to not let it happen.

Who I am is a Woman of God who is still learning my way. I am traveling the road not taken by many and I know my destination will be reached.

Who I am is Samara - The woman with a kindred soul and a heart of gold. The woman who is so selfless that I consider the feelings of those who mean nothing to me. The woman whose heart is crying out...

Lyrics to one of my favorite songs... Have you ever...?

(chorus)
Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?
Have you ever..., have you ever...?

Have you ever been in love...Been in love so bad?
You'd do anything to make them understand.
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away?
You'd give anything up to make them feel the same.
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart but you don't know what to say?
And you don't know where to start...

(chorus)
Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?
Have you ever..., have you ever...?

Have you ever found the one you've dreamed of all your life?
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes.
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to only to find that one won't give their heart to you?
Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there and all you can do is wait for that day when they will care?

(chorus)
Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?
Have you ever..., have you ever...?

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby?
What do I gotta say to get to your heart?
To make you understand how I need you next to me...
Gotta get you in my world 'Cuz baby I can't sleep...

(repeat chorus twice )

Have you ever?

Personal thoughts

It's 11 o'clock are you gonna touch my spot? I was feeling sexy, but I guess you're not! Never available when I really want it, so what I'm gonna do, is what I got to do... I guess I got to do me. If this is how I got to get mine on, at least I know it won't be wrong. Cause I know how to please me if this is how it's got to be then I think I'll do me, like I do when I'm alone. As long as you ain't trippin you don't even have to worry bout me. You know nobody does it like me. Well, if somebody doesn't come along and handle this permanently I know how to love me!

Had to get it out! good night.. needed to share!

Sea of Emotions

I step down into the water and the water is cold. I'm a pretty good swimmer, but I may need a life preserver for this plunge! I think I may be sinking to the bottom of this sea of unforseen events. I may actually be drowning. I dog paddle to the shallow side of the sea and try to sort out my feelings. What exactly am I feeling? What is the cost? My heart is heavy, I'm overwhelmed by the lack of love I receive. Why am I just now noticing that I don't feel as loved as I want to feel. Why is it now that I am noticing that he has been acting a little different. What kept me from noticing it all before? Oh no, I'm drifting back into the deep end. I know that there is a reason for everything that happens in ones life and I am sure that my questions will be answered soon enough. Why am I so eagar? Where will this go? Is it right? I know it's not, but I sure do want it to be. Where will I end up? Alone? I feel myself sinking again! There has got to be someone out there with my life vest. Are you out there? Are you gonna save me? I don't want to go like this. I have to keep my head above water but the current of this sea of emotions is pulling me under. Why can't I stay afloat? Please God, send me a life preserver. I must hold on a little while longer. I'm trying to swim back to the shallow end, but I'm making no progress. I'm sinking again. I just want to be happy! I want to make someone genuinely happy. How do I know if he really loves me. How do I know that he won't trade me in, as few have done in the past? How do I carry on like this? I'm sinking!

Mi Vida Loca

Hopefully those of you who are reading this won't get confused by my random thoughts.

I have had a rough couple of days! Though I may seem perfectly normal, everythinbg is not always as it seems. I have done nothing for the past 3 days but think of a friend that I have recently reconnected with and I never realized just how much I've missed them until I realized that I can't talk to them when I want to!. Saturday, I spoke to my friend for about 6 hours total... we had lots to catch up on! I was in total bliss... I realized, after speaking with this individual, that I truly miss them. I have had way too much time to reflect on the past and it pisses me off! I'm sad right now because all I want to do is call this person and I can't!

There is this girl in my class that I just want to strangle. I literally want to put a sock in her mouth and gag her til she can't talk anymore... forreal! She talks too much and she talks too much about nothing. We don't care that you breast feed in the training room... we don't care that you have an EBT card... we don't care that you have Child Action.... B**** we really don't care! Just STHU!!!!!

I get tired of coming home to a house that doesn't clean itself... It seems that if I don't clean it, it doesn't get done... seriously, I want to go on strike and only feed me and my baby boy! I have to cook every night and clean... The little girl feels as if I am her maid and so does the Grown man that lives here.... I do it all... mow the lawn, wash the dishes, do laundry, pay bills... feed and bathe the dogs, wash his hair and the kids hair... I may as well be wiping their asses too.... i just want someone to cater to me for a change... I really do!

What in the hell is wrong with some of the people of this world??? I am really tired of feeling as if I am the only normal person here... maybe I'm the one with the issues and everyone else is normal...

I think that I am done venting for the night, however, if something else comes up, you will be sure to hear from me again!

goodnight from the crazy mind of Samara! Love luv!